I Screwed Up
by Romantic In Denial
Summary: Season 2 - Episode 5 "Reconciliation" One shot suggested to me by Skyler Mist. You asked for angst and I hope I delivered at least a little of that. Barbie still forgave Julia pretty easily but somehow I can't ever see him doing otherwise. If y'all happen to read this, please take a sec to review but in any case, I'm just glad you're reading my Jarbie drabbles. :)


"_**Just so you know... what Jim said about Barbie being involved, he wasn't. We went behind his back. Barbie always believed there was another way."**_

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><p>Julia was wide awake. She kept hearing Rebecca's words in her mind. The words that proved Barbie had been telling the truth. The words that broke her heart because she had not believed him. The events of the day haunted her. Barbie slept beside her, exhausted, life under the dome wringing every ounce of energy from his body. But it was her fault too – last night he had slept in his car because of her suspicions and now she hated herself for that. And though he had forgiven her, in fact forgiven her too easily, she was filled with regret and sadness at her actions. She could have lost the love of her life and it would have been all her fault.<p>

Tears fell unbidden from her eyes. "If I had lost you..." She could not finish the thought because it would be the worst that could happen. Worse than finding out about Peter, worse than being trapped by this freaking dome...it would be the sum of every bad thing that had ever happened to her – every break up, every fight, every disappointment.

Carefully she turned so she could look at him, her breath catching as she saw the cut above his eye. It seemed that as soon as one of his wounds healed, he came home with two or three more. He had thrown off the sheet so she could also see the bruises covering his ribs – some old, turning yellow and green, some new, an angry red soon to be black and blue. All of them painful, all of them incurred because he was protecting someone – if not her, then another citizen being wronged. She wanted to be able to wish them away, those terrible reminders that he was her protector no matter that she believed the worst of him.

As much as these physical wounds tormented her, they paled in comparison to the hurt she caused him. She sighed quietly as she remembered how he had come to her house..._their_ house that night with the intention of explaining. She watched his expression turn from determination, to disbelief that she was turning him away and just before she slammed the door in his face, she saw the raw pain in his eyes.

"God...I never want to see that look again, a look that I caused. Yet I did see it again...the very next morning when he came back." I squeezed my eyes shut, hoping to block that memory but to no avail. Barbie had asked if I knew where Sam was & when I told him Sam had just left...the look in his eyes spoke volumes of his feelings for me. "Stupid! I'm so stupid sometimes"... Julia continued to berate herself... "at least I didn't let him think that I turned to someone else as soon as there was some contention between us, but I was still so _stupid_."

Julia could not stop thinking about the events of yesterday. She couldn't believe that so much had happened in just one **day! **"I was so shortsighted and stubborn, so damn stubborn and so sure he was lying to me about his involvement. He tried to explain that he wanted to keep tabs on their extermination plot, to try to stay a step ahead of them so he could stop them, but I shut him down. My reply came back to haunt me, the words I said "I don't know that I believe that."

And yet he didn't turn away from me in spite of the hurt I knew he was feeling. He had my back when I confronted Phil about his role in Wendall's death and his complete lack of judgment as sheriff.

When Phil scornfully posed the question... "You want me to quit? You gonna make me?" I shouldn't have been surprised to hear Barbie reply... "No, not her...me." His words were spoken slowly, with a quiet authority that would have been foolish to ignore.

He turned down my suggestion that he take over the role. I apologized... "I should have trusted you...I'm sorry I didn't." But it wasn't enough, even though I heard him say "That's good to hear."

I still saw the pain in his eyes, wanted to erase it but didn't know how. I couldn't lose him over this, I just couldn't. He doesn't know and I have to tell him...tell him that I love him but how can I do that now? I didn't want him to think it was guilt that prompted those words. I wanted him to know how deeply, how thoroughly I loved him. I felt helpless and yes, guilty and so sorry that I was foolish and suspicious.

Julia felt Barbie stir, saw his forehead crease and heard him moan in his sleep. The nightmares still troubled his sleep, sometimes several times during the night. She moved closer to let him feel the warmth of her body and was gratified when his arm reached out to pull her even closer. He quieted immediately, her presence all he needed to make the night terrors go away, at least for now.

Slowly so as not to wake him, Julia placed her hand against his chest, taking comfort from the steady beat of his heart. Still she could not sleep. Her thoughts went back to what had transpired that day.

The next time I saw Barbie was at the food drive, where he immediately pitched in, toting sacks, doing what I asked of him without question or hesitation. He could have been killed in that awful explosion but thank God, he wasn't and once again, he saved me. Entrapped by fallen shelves and timbers, he risked his life to find me, putting himself in danger, dodging the smoke and flames. Stumbling out of the firehouse together, I was met with hostile stares from the people who had entrusted me with their food.

I was crushed by the dismay I saw on faces in the crowd, by the panic in their voices at the destruction of so precious a commodity but it was Phil who struck the blow that broke my spirit. He accused me of being foolish and neglectful in not checking the wiring of the generator but the words he spoke as an aside – those were the last straw. I can still hear his veiled threat... "This is not over."

As I turned the corner of the building, I felt myself losing it and regardless of how hard I tried, tears filled my eyes, trailing down my cheeks. Not only had I failed the town...I failed Barbie and that hurt worst of all.

"Hey" I spun around at the sound of his voice hastily wiping away the tears. "You okay?" Once again he was only thinking of me, unmindful of his own injuries, of the blood trickling from his eye.

The words tumbled from my lips. I couldn't talk fast enough – I needed to say that it was all on me...everything, the explosion, his hurt. I needed him to know. "We're screwed! And Phil was right it's all my fault. I didn't check the generator – didn't even think to check. And I screwed up with you. I should have believed you..."

"Come here" Feeling his arms around me once more was the best feeling. His hands moving gently on my back soothed me. It was as if I had been lost and now found my way home. Then and there I promised myself that I would never push him away again.

I almost came undone as he continued... "That goes both ways...we both made mistakes."

Caught up in her memories, Julia did not notice that Barbie was awake until she felt him move closer to her, their faces now a mere breath away from each other.

"Julia, what's wrong?" His voice was a gentle murmur filled with concern. "I woke up a couple of minutes ago and saw you crying. It's not a nightmare, is it?"

"No, I didn't have a nightmare tonight. My nightmare took place in the last two days when I didn't believe you. I'm so sorry for everything. If you had left me, I wouldn't have blamed you but it would have been the worst day of my life. Not only because you'd be gone but because I wouldn't have had the chance to tell you that I love you."

"Hey, Julia, look at me." I felt his finger tilt my chin so that we were eye to eye. His thumb tenderly moved along my cheek, smoothing away my tears and anguish. "You did tell me though and I love you too. I will never leave you, Julia, never! Do you remember the good stuff? Because I do."

Casting her eyes away for a brief instant, Julia bit her lip as those memories rushed to the front of her mind. "I remember." She pressed a soft kiss to his lips before continuing. "I remember how everything came together for the town feast – how Andrea's food will benefit all of us. I even remember Big Jim actually pledging his support but the cynic in me is still taking a wait and see attitude on that. Then I remember that amazing kiss in the diner after you offered to be sheriff."

"Is that all?" Barbie grinned, enjoying the fact that Julia now had the beginnings of a smile on her lovely face. He snaked his hand beneath her curls, gently massaging her neck, gratified to hear a soft hum escape her lips – a sound he had come to relish. It told him she felt safe, comfortable and that she wanted him.

"No"... she breathed against his lips... "I remember a lot more – walking home with you – stopping along the way. I told you I loved you and I couldn't believe that you said it back. When did you know?"

"For sure? When I almost lost you...when I saw you lifeless on that hospital bed. But it started well before then. You are so special Julia...so beautiful, so strong, so determined. And now...so mine."

She shivered at the way his voice caressed her name, shivered as he burned a trail of kisses along her neck, coming to rest beneath her ear. When his lips and tongue began moving against her sensitive skin, she sighed and wound herself closer, loving the feel of his hard body against her. Twining her fingers into his hair she murmured softly, her words a gentle breath against his skin. "I love you Dale Barbara...love you now and forever."

"Baby...I love you too. No matter what happens, never forget that." Julia giggled as his voice tickled her ear. She traced the line of his jaw at the same time he smoothed a stray curl away from her face. Her breath caught as she saw the love and naked desire in his eyes.

"I remember something else from last night."

"Is that right?"

"Mmmhmm."

Barbie's eyes traced her face, stopping at her lips, watching them slowly curve into a teasing smile. "Do you want to share that memory with me?"

"I remember you said that when you first saw me, you wanted to kiss me senseless. And then you did"

"What made you think of that?"

Julia wound herself even closer and whispered against his lips... "Because I want you to do it again."

**This was harder to write than I thought it would be and I hope that I was able to capture Julia's feelings about her mistrust of Barbie. As always my fics seem to end with them in bed...although in this case they're in bed the whole time. Thank you everyone for reading, leaving reviews and following/favoriting my stories. It means the world to me. A special thank you to Skyler Mist who suggested this one-shot and to munyo & Yas-M for always taking the time to comment. You continue to inspire me! **


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